While I was trying to decide what to write about today, I became frustrated because I kept coming up with all these “how to cope with” ideas. I didn’t really want to write a blog post about that today. So I took a break to read an article I’ve been wanting to read about Quantum Psychology that focused on eliminating “isness” which included all forms of the word “is” or “to be” from our language. The article included examples of how to eliminate “is.”
John is unhappy and grouchy to John appears unhappy and grouchy in the office
John is bright and cheerful to John seems bright and cheerful
That is a bad idea to That seems like a bad idea to me
Bread is better than crackers to I prefer bread to crackers
As I was reading this article, it occurred to me that this concept can be used to become a better parent. “Isness” is judgmental. Just because we perceive John to be unhappy and grouchy, doesn’t mean that John is feeling unhappy and grouchy in the way we think. John might be affected by poor lighting in the office, or poor air circulation, or some other thing that we aren’t aware of. Maybe John ate a high carb sugary breakfast and his blood sugar dropped. We really don’t know.
If we apply this principal to our children, it seems to me that we would save ourselves from a lot of negative interactions and be more productive, thereby eliminating a lot of stress in the family.
For example, if your child appears to be whining and you don’t know why, rather than tell him “I hate it when you whine” try, “You seem irritated by something, can you tell me what you need?”
Of if they appear to be in a bad mood or angry instead of “Don’t take your bad mood (anger) out on me,” try, “You seem to be in a bad mood (angry), did something happen?”
In this way, we are not judging our kids, we are not telling them how they feel. We are telling them how we perceive them at that moment and opening a door to allow them to communicate to us how they are feeling or what is going on with them at that moment. Modeling nonjudgmental communication is a great way to teach your children, especially your teenagers, a more productive way to communicate that makes deeper connections possible.